Knockoff Records, a subsidiary of Half-Witt Media (a division of Half-Witt Enterprises), announces the pending release of Pink Fraud’s new album “Dockside of the Moon”.
Knockoff Records produces music to be sold in markets that are indifferent to copyright protection law. See the press release in the Knockoff Records section for more info.
Listen to a preview song, “Your Breath”.
Half-Witt Media proudly announces the upcoming release of country singer Kitty Lee Juddcoat’s long awaited album, “Leehab”. A tentative release date is pending, and will be forthcoming, an anonymous Half-Witt spokesman was rumored to have leaked to the press through a clandestine source. A sneak preview excerpt from the song, “Poor Me, a Drink“, can be heard here (below).
Juddcoat, the former Kitty Lee, nicknamed by her fans as “The Country Sweet Tart”, is known for her mercurial temperament as much as her contributions to country music. Those contributions, however, were deemed illegal in a 1997 IRS audit, and Juddcoat has since released a new album each month towards eradication of the resulting debts. The strategy has finally paid off — Half-Witt Media has rewarded its star with a 10 album deal, spread over 12 months. “I’d like to personally thank Mr. Half and Miss Witt for giving me the chance of a lifetime, to spend within a year’s time,” Juddcoat snorted at a private press conference held exclusively for Half-Witt executives. The uninvited Juddcoat was forcibly removed from the conference as the attendees resumed with their scheduled presentation.
Lum Burke’s long awaited new solo effort, “The Wash” is soon to be released. Below are some excerpts from this unique concept album based on laundry. Lum has deftly crafted a string of songs about depression, failure, and misery, with unintended hilarious results. Burke’s longstanding desire to be regarded as a serious artist is reflected in these painfully depicted numbers, which draw guffaws from the live audience. The songs were recorded live at Estelle’s Coin Laundry over a two night stand. Excerpts in this post are from the songs “Lint” and “Kingdom”. Critics agree that this could possibly be the album of the year if it was actually good.
"Kingdom" - from "The Wash" by Lum Burke: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download "Lint" - from "The Wash" by Lum Burke: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download
This is a short song from Lum’s critically unclaimed solo effort “The Wash”, which was recorded in front of a live audience at Estelle’s Coin Laundromat. “The Wash” marks a watershed moment in music, rinsing songs about struggle and depression with unintended humorous results (much to the artist’s chagrin). Click on the play button to listen.
PRESS RELEASE AP, Richmond, VA) Half-Witt Media purchases Chinese-owned firm
Half-Witt Media announced today that it has acquired Knockoff Records, a record company located in the USA, but owned and operated by Chinese investment group Tsing Tsong. Knockoff Records is known for its imitative music created in the USA, but sold internationally in countries that would be impervious or prohibitive to copyright or intellectual property suits by the music industry.
“The acquisition of Knockoff Records gives us an entry into emerging international markets in Asia, South America, and the South Pole”, said a company official wishing to remain anonymous. He continued, “As president of Half-Witt Media, I’m proud to finally produce records that sound reasonably close to Grammy-winning music.”
Along with established customer bases in several countries, Half-Witt now owns the rights to Knockoff’s vast stable of artists, such as Printz, whose single “$19.99” became a surprise hit in North Korea this year. Many Knockoff artists including Coldspray, and Me2 have found success in emerging nations with stable governments, while others such as Pink Fraud, Indigent Girls, and Crossme Steals Cash & Guns, are gaining popularity in the black markets of strife-ridden locales.
Half-Witt plans to continue to use the strong brand name of Knockoff Records, and treat it as a whole different division. But there may be some room for cross pollination and “grafting” some entities from Knockoff to future Half-Witt acts, which are traditionally marketed in the USA. “But you’ve got to have a good legal team.” cautions Half-Witt’s CEO, Wyler P. Juddcoat. “And you need to know intellectual property laws, where the lines are clearly drawn, and where they blur. Hmmm…. Blur.”
PRESS RELEASE AP, Richmond, VA) FusterKluck signs with Half-Witt Media
Half-Witt Media proudly annnounces the addition of techno band FusterKluck to its roster. Founded twenty years ago by government employees Ben Knapping and Curt Reply, FusterKluck will finally bring its own self-described brand of “cubicle techno” to the world in its first-ever album release.
This initial record has been years in the making, and has been perpetually thwarted by budget overruns, painstakingly slow production, and general apathy. But with singles “Flouescent Strobe Light” and “Chia Pet” about to be released, fans of the group are rumored to be almost hopeful. And while previews of FusterKluck’s currently untitled album have caused critics to note that the mixes seems to be panned too far to the right, an undaunted Reply publicly responded with a brief, unpleasant colloquialism. Knapping was not available for comment.
PRESS RELEASE AP, Richmond, VA) O’Halen signs with Half-Witt Media
Half-Witt Media announces the signing of Celtic rockers, O’Halen. The contract includes an overseas distribution deal (Ghana and Kyrgyzstan only), and a multi-year, multi-record, multi-dollar signing bonus. At a hastily arranged news conference, guitarist Johnny O’Halen said “We’re glad and excited to be with Half-Witt Media, and I cannot wait to tell my fellow bandmates.”
Rounding out the rest of the band are singer Joey O’Halen, bassist Dee-Dee O’Halen, and Seamus O’Toole on harp. The three O’Halen brothers hail from Ireland, although they were born, raised, and have always resided in Ohio. The band began playing high school dances almost 25 years ago in Central Ohio, despite living in Northern Ohio. “That was before Seamus joined”, remarked Johnny, although no one at the conference had asked a question. “Joey, Dee-Dee and I would have been happy playing on the road, barely making enough change for gas had it not been for Seamus”. And while music critics agree that O’Toole’s deft electric harp solos ignite the package that the O’Halen brothers bring to the front porch, few credit him with the success brought on by the band’s new direction to leave the road and simply stay home.
But their non-road to stardom was also a non-short one. O’Halen released over 15 albums, all recorded in the O’Halen basement studio. Without a distribution mechanism, even in their own neighborhood, all copies still remain in that basement — until today. “We’re ecstatic that our talent scouts have scoured the countryside, and rooted out these pearls”, says Half-Witt Media president W.P. Juddcoat. “We hope to release all 15 albums and many more as soon as possible.”
A fall tour is planned, pending the resolution of contractual issues regarding fuel reimbursement.
PRESS RELEASE AP, Richmond, VA) Conscious Pilot signs on with Half-Witt
Half-Witt Media proudly announces the addition of Christian Rock band Conscious Pilot to its roster of up-and-going talent. Pilot represents a new breed of hard drinking, hard rocking, and hard of hearing groups that play inspirational tunes using power chords, and occasionally power tools.
Lead singer and frontman, Niles Rivers, brings a bombastic yet understated tone to the band’s signature songs (”Save Me Again”, “I Am Your Torch”) — the exceptions being when vocals are abandoned in favor of cordless drills (”Screw the Heathens”) or table saws (”Build Me a Temple”). “The amazing thing about Niles’s vocals is the shrill and grating quality he produces, which of course, contrasts with the power tools”, says lead guitarist and toolsmith, Woody Shears.
Shears co-founded Conscious Pilot with Rivers several years ago, and the pair began witing cafeine-induced songs in a local Starbucks . They soon added drummer Gregory Chance and bassist Johnny St. John. Chance and St. John, veterans of the Alaskan blues circuit, bring an uncanny sense of rythm to the unpredictable roar that Rivers and Shears expel. “Greg and Johnny are like a big cliff. They give us the rock-steady foundation from which to take huge leaps”, adds Rivers.
The Pilots are currently in the studio, and have signed on for a U.S. tour this summer, sponsored by Black & Decker. And while their popularity continues to climb, and they chart new waters with their sound, faith remains the band’s compass. “When we’re playing music, it’s a religous experience. The rest of the time … not so much”, says Shears.
PRESS RELEASE AP, Richmond, VA) Jed Dale and the Dead Jailers
Jed Dale (formerly of “The Mandoleers”) has announced the formation of a new supergroup, “Jed Dale and the Dead Jailers”. The new lineup includes veteran musicians Mick Schwigger, Lum Burke, and Buzz Nutley.
Dale, recently discharged from his 12th rehab, admitted to reporters that he had drank himself deaf — a charge that Schwigger has levied for years from his spot in Mandoleers’ rival band, Mandofunken. But the two have reconciled due to simple alcohol-related memory loss over the accusations. With a background steeped in the Oompah circuit, Schwigger brings his self described (and copyrighted trademark) “Schwagger” to the group, laying down the rhythm (and the occasional atmospheric assault) to what promises to be a sound to be dealt with.
Nutley, a.k.a. “Barbecue Boy”, recently left his own solo project, GoodPork, a curious blend of swampadelic rap and pork. While Nutley’s departure marks the end of many years on his own, he quietly remarked “there’s no hard feelin’s”. Dale, when reminded that he had hired “Barbecue Boy” Nutley to play in his new band, released a statement praising his favorite hunting dog, “Sporty”, a frequent Dale hallucination, as Dale has never owned a dog. Shortly thereafter his agent released a statement welcoming Nutley, and praising his highly skilled musicianship and enthusiasm for pork.
As a longtime member of Wafflecock cover band, WaffleCochlea, Burke’s work has largely been ignored by the mainstream, alternative, and underground scenes. His lone solo effort, “Hey I’m Over Here”, has been out of print since just prior to its release. But with his addition to The Dead Jailers, Burke may prove to be the missing link. His telegraphic guitar style was developed by playing in front of a mirror, a convention he often employed on stage to teach himself the chords to his songs. This should serve the band well, as Dale is notorious for forgetting chords, as well as words and music. In fact, Dale has dubbed Burke “That guy over there”, a nod to his bandmate’s ability to prompt him (although Burke mistook it as acknowledgment of his aforementioned solo album). When asked about the prospects of a fall tour, Dale quipped something unintelligible and belched “I got B.O.”. A studio album is planned for a winter release.
COMING SOON! — New and exciting MP3’s, band bios, reviews and press releases on all Half-Witt artists, including…..
The Unknown Favorites
Jed Dale and the Dead Jailers
The Bombage Band
Lum Burke
Mandofunken
Wafflecock
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